I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
