Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
