All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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