I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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