Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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