alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think your dad took our porno
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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