My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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