hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think im going to throw up on grandma
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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