You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize