You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
