Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
