a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
