Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i love accidental penises.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
