He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
