i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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