so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
