Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
