dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
