so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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