Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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