My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
