After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I want to have your abortion
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
