Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish i was in the wii world.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize