She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I woke up under a house in Key West
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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