I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
