I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
