I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
