What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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