I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
