Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
