just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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