Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
