Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She announced her abortion via fbk
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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