Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
