Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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