dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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