We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
