I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize