I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
