We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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