Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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