and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
