Moan for me like Helen Keller
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
