I wish I only lived at night.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
