I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
