ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
