Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
either way he was missing a nipple.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize