I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Alive.
So much puke
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
