do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
