come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sober January is a disaster.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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