If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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