You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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