I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
