My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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