It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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