He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
