glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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