you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just pee around me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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