Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
