i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
