im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
