Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
