So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
