He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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