mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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