it's too hot outside to masturbate.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
