Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
