I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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