If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
