You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
