My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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