he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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